Sleepless Nights

I've noticed here lately that the more depressed and sad I am during the day, the more chance I have of not being able to sleep at night. Yesterday, of course, was the funeral for my grandmother. The funeral was a nice service, my uncle Clyde did a wonderful job, even though I'm sure it was incredibly hard for him. There was a big turn out also; I'm sure the procession was a mile long. The graveside service was the hardest part for me because just a few feet away, my dad was laid to rest. After the service, I wandered over with Ash and Trav to the grave. There's a temporary marker in place, someone (probably my uncle Richard) has placed red and white flowers in the vase. And his name is imprinted on a label on the marker. I broke down at the grave...people telling me that he isn't there anymore, that its just his body, doesn't help me. It offers no comfort, although I suppose it should. I know daddy's in Heaven...and I know he is in no pain, isn't suffering anymore. But I'm still selfish...if he was still here, he could offer me advice and talk to me. I could've called him at midnight last night and he'd probably been up. He would've talked to me a bit and then I could've went to sleep. I sat on the couch last night, crying my eyes out, and wishing he was sitting right beside me, putting his arm around me, letting me know it would be okay. But he wasn't. I mean, Heaven is so grand, why in the world would he bother coming back down to earth to visit me. *sigh* I guess one day, I'll be able to think of him without shedding tears, without feeling like my heart is being ripped out of my chest.