Angry With God

How long does one stay angry with God? I'm still angry and it's been two months. It may still be too fresh or maybe I'm just hanging on to the anger cos I need someone to blame. Six months ago today, my dad walked me down the aisle to marry Paul. He was in really good spirits and had a peace about him...maybe he knew I was in good hands. I don't know. All I can remember, though, is he being so supportive and doing that one thing for me, even though he'd probably just rather stay at Hospice. He even looked handsome...as handsome as he could've looked. And now he's gone. And, as I was sitting in church yesterday, with the preacher saying that he believed God could heal, I felt myself go cold as stone. Cos I, at one time, believed that too. I mean, I know God could've easily healed dad...as easily as he brought Lazarus back from the dead. But He chose not to...and I'm angry about that. Sigh.

Wisdom Imparted

Do you believe that people who leave this earth can transfer their goodness to others? Or maybe it is just our way, as those left behind, to keep that person's memory alive. I've been graced with a few of my dad's bad habits, or unlikable traits, but when he passed, I think he left some good for me, too. Granted, many people don't see the fruit of this...however, I know it, because I can feel it inside me. I'm slower to anger, things that used to bother me don't, problems I used to think didn't have a solution now do...wisdom that my father imparted to me...probably throughout the years that I had with him but am just noticing now. Of course, why would I notice it when he was here? He would just give me advice and I wouldn't have to think about it, like I do now. God knows I miss him, seemingly more and more each day...but I think I'm finding my way to move on, with him by my side, or inside my heart. And that way, he'll never be too far away when I need him.

Slap in the Face/Hug of a Friend

Sometimes life just slaps you in the face. And it stings...I mean really stings!
I've been having such a good time lately...feeling good, being happy, not sad...you know. (If you don't, see post below) So, of course, I have to get smacked. Things going good? BAM!
Grief, I'm quickly learning, is a violent pendulum, swinging from one extreme to the other. And I am at the other extreme...deep sadness and loss. I feel like I am falling apart...I don't even feel like myself...can barely remember who I even was before daddy died. I'm so thankful that Paul and my friends remember...cos how else could I get back to myself?
I feel like I'm sliding down a slope with nothing to grab hold of so I don't slip all the way down into the deep, dark pit of depression. And then I'm reminded...I'm not doing this alone...and I do have someone, several someones, to grab hold of. And I'm extremely grateful for that...for those few people who are still there, who still care, who don't care if I call them to cry, if I try to push them away. Cos they aren't going anywhere. Thank you. Without you, I wouldn't see the light at the end of the tunnel, the sun breaking away the dark clouds, that things will get better.

What is Normal?

I've been having some good days lately. And I guess I shouldn't complain...and I'm not really complaining...I'm just wondering what kind of punishment I'm in for. Let me explain...some days, like recently, I think I'm moving on...moving forward, from dad's death. I don't cry as much, I don't think about him and feel extremely sad. But then I think, he's my dad...I should cry, I should be sad, I should be depressed...for the rest of my life. I think I'm actually feeling guilty for feeling like I'm accepting this. Accepting is too strong of a word, because I don't think, as long as I live, I will accept having to live my life without the guidance and love of my father. My brain/mind still rejects that he's even gone...it is still in a state of shock. But my heart is, for the most part, trying to heal. Is that okay? Is that normal? Do I love my dad less because I'm not feeling sad?